Crazy life.

I often find myself getting irritated, losing my cool, being impatient, or short tempered in situations that are out of my control.  Recently, I have come to understand that everything is out of my control.  Even things that I sort of think are in my control are out of my control.  Let me explain...

I have a 10 month old baby, well almost 11 months in a few days.  I usually know what he needs, when he needs it.  But sometimes there are days like today when everything goes crazy.  Michael left this morning for work up training and before he left he rocked Josiah, spent a lot of time with him, then put him perfectly to bed...and not a peep came out of Josiah's mouth.  Later today, when I put him down for his second nap he starts screaming and crying (which by the way is still going on now as I write this entry).  I know that he will fall asleep soon but grrrr, it's so frustrating when the whole day gets out of whack.  Michael has a touch, what can I say?  : )

Next, can I just say that like every other Navy wife I have a love/hate relationship with it.  I love it most of the time.  I'm so proud of Michael and all the he does.  I know that he wants to make a better life for Josiah by serving, and for the generations following.  However, man I hate when he's gone.  I feel like my life falls apart.  Suddenly simple tasks I'm able to do while Michael is here (even if he doesn't help with them) I can get done.  I think it's mind over matter but everything becomes significantly harder when he's gone.  How do I work full time, raise a baby, keep the house tidy, keep the house clean (sanitized), and keep my sanity?  Single mothers are amazing.  I know I chose to go back to work, but sometimes I regret it when Michael is gone.  The stress load is more than I can handle.  Not saying that my friends that are stay at home moms have it easy, but it is definitely more stressful having to work as well as keep up with our life.  Life out my control...

When Michael left this morning we got in a huge fight about who knows what.  Why does this happen?  And it seems to happen each time he comes or goes.  As always, I put up my stubborn front and refused to admit that I most likely caused the drama (which I did).  Why do I do this?  It's so frustrating and I get so mad at myself but it seems like in the moment I am unable to pull myself out of my anger enough to step back and fix what is wrong.  Life out of my control...

On Friday night, Kara and I were headed to an EOD Navy Wives dinner when we were rear ended.  We weren't injured seriously, just enough to have a headache, sore neck and back, and to make more of an inconvenience in my life.  It was all an innocent mistake, the pizza delivery boy that hit us just didn't look.  It happens.  But yet again, well you know what I'm going to say...

I currently have Bronchitis as well as a bladder infection.  How is that fair?  Really?  I'm suppose to deal with both of these at once while all of the above is happening as well?

Let's add the fact that I need to plan, program, and create an entire school Holiday program with one rehearsal (because of holidays we will only have one rehearsal from now until the concert to get it done).  I feel so much pressure!  Life, out of control.

What I hope to learn from all of this craziness is to deal with and maybe even welcome the chaos that is life.  Crazy life is never going away, in fact, as Michael gently reminded me in this mornings fight, it is only going to get crazier.  We will add a deployment, an older child that can talk and therefore backtalk, a second child, etc. etc. I hope that I can learn very soon to let go.  New Years is too far to make this my resolution, so I'm starting now.

PS - I can't wait to tell you about some super exciting news, coming soon to a blog in the near future.